Even though Johnny Depp has enjoyed an amazingly long Hollywood career and is rumored to be the nicest guy towards his fans, the spell has clearly worn off for me. Still, I will acknowledge that he has made a disproportionately large amount of good movies for a paycheck actor, but he’s still indulged in some really crappy ones as well. Here are the top eleven of them.
If gays want marriage, they should not only receive all the benefits of it, they should suffer the consequences. To wit: They should also be forced to suffer through rom-com dreck devoted to their relationships. There have been a lot of gay characters in movies and television, but there’s never been a big, Hollywood mainstream, insipid, Kate Hudson-style romantic comedy with leading gay characters. That’s exactly what we need to further mainstream gay marriage: Shitty broad comedies with lame romantic gestures. When the rest of America sees Hugh Jackman run through an airport to stop Daniel Craig from getting on a plane, then I think ALL of America will finally accept same-sex marriage.
If you’ve ever owned a rabbit, you know that they are nothing more than small, fluffy bundles of pure evil. Screenwriters know that, too. Many of them speak the truth with dangerous rabbit characters, but others are too afraid to stand up to Big Cuteness. But even when writers try to make their rabbits seem sweet and innocent, the hellfire within shines through.
The world of “Game Of Thrones” gets colder and more terrifying with each week, and it’s a tribute to its writers and directors that we keep coming back for more, despite the show’s continued bleakness. Yet it’s not just that grimness and fear that propels the show, it’s an uncommon depth of writing and strength of character that makes it so remarkable an achievement. These characters live and die, love and hate, trust and betray each other with such vivid realness that it makes it totally fulfilling.
Don Draper is getting old. Forty these days isn’t what it was in 1966: Generally out of touch. With times changing so quickly, Don and peers (and beyond) easily feel left behind as society progresses. One day, you recognize your surroundings — you even recognize the music on the radio. But by the next, you’re relying on your 26-year-old wife to keep you up to date on trends. The elevator doors may open for you, but there’s no car waiting, only a free fall.
NBC as a whole may be moving in a different direction next season. “Betty White’s Off the Their Rocker” was a hit on the network, so you can probably expect more television in that vein. You can also probably expect to close that vein on your arm, and amputate NBC from your body. We probably won’t be watching much, if any, of NBC in the future.
Despite the fact that he’s the second weirdest looking actor on television, Benedict Cumberbatch (of “Sherlock fame) has amassed quite the devoted following. That’s right, the self-described “Cumberb*tches.”
But many of you out there claim you just “don’t get it.” I understand. If you haven’t seen the man in action, it’s difficult to understand the allure. However, here are ten good reasons why you should join the ranks of the Cumberb*tches.
Summer is also a great time for smaller, independent films. Unfortunately, they’re very much likely to be overshadowed by the huge action-film spectacles and sequels, as they are every year. So before you head to the theaters to catch Whedon’s latest, we’d like to highlight ten smaller films coming out this summer that might be worth your attention. You’ll probably forget about them tomorrow after the Battleship trailer dislodges your brain, but at least we can say we tried.
The Shining (1980)
Problem: Busy suburban and family life just isn’t the proper setting for Jack Torrance to write a book.
Solution: A winter away in solitude is, on paper, the perfect place to write with no distractions. Given the opportunity to stay in a hotel virtually alone for a few months, as Jack was, most writers would take it.
Success: Sadly, due to some problems involving telepathy, an Indian burial ground, a snowstorm, and some ghosts, Jack died before he was able to finish his book. This is even more disappointing because of the extremely original narrative structure he was exploring.
Lesson: When you have writer’s block, just write through it. Write anything, even if it sucks, even if you end up typing the same sentence over and over again. At least you’re writing.
In 1997, Pamela Satran wrote a helpful little list for Glamour called “30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30.” And what do you know, that list got passed around the interwebs faster than the first shot of Angelina’s ugly ass engagement ring. Apparently this list was so genius that readers incorrectly implicated as the author such people as Hillary Clinton and Maya Angelou.
Now being a very helpful person myself, I’ve made a few minor adjustments. It’s not that I don’t think this a brilliant list, easily mistakable for the work of say, Jessie Jackson…rather, I (being a woman, myself) felt it could use a little tweaking. Just a tiny bit.
Now that one Joss Whedon debate has been settled — Is The Avengers good? Yes — it’s time to settle another, much important one: Buffy and Spike vs. Buffy and Angel? It’s an argument as heated as Joel vs. Mike on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and each side believes that they’re right and the other is, like, SO wrong. (Buffy and Riley, that camp doesn’t exist.) To figure out the dispute, I created 10 unbiased categories, declaring a winner for each. Whoever has the most “wins” at the end is the right answer.
“Veep” is closer to NBC’s “Parks and Recreation,” only minus the sweetness and plus plenty of cursing. It answers the ridiculousness of American politics with ridiculousness, and only two episodes in, it already is one of the better comedies on TV.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that good kid actors are hard to find. It doesn’t take much to ruin a scene. The flash of a saccharine smile or flat, stilted delivery are enough to ruin a perfectly good dramatic or comedic scene. And I could spend days deriding the worts kid actors…
Posted this on my main blog. Whoops.
We already know that Samuel L. Jackson is a badass motherfucker who’s still tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd, but the man has made some seriously crappy movies. Here are the top eleven.
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